Stained Glass Soul

I got what I wanted, now what?

I’ve always been a bit of a klutz. A classic case of butterfingers. I have shattered many a mug, accumulated an assortment of mysterious bruises by unseen doorhandles and table corners. This reputation lended itself for anyone to be skeptical in the event I was trusted to hold anything of value. Until today, my parents tense when I carry a platter or piece of fine china.

I have become accustomed to having what I hold in my hands, escape me.

I have had my fair share of fuck-ups beyond a broken plate. While I hold no regrets, I have had many experiences in which I have come very close to getting what I wanted, and allowed it to slip through my fingers. I made peace with this fact. Accepted that perhaps I am not one of those people that is set to achieve what I had in mind, only to my own fault, and instead destined to see where life leads. However, things started to change. The clearest instance was when I, against a fair number of odds, was accepted into my dream university. What I had been dreaming of since I was 14 years old, real, true, in front of my eyes. I couldn’t wait for this new chapter to begin. But then…it did.

My first semester was far from a dream. I was suffocated by self-loathing, doubt, and disappointment. I was scared, overwhelmed, and astoundingly unhappy, despite having all I had ever wanted. Friends I adored, inspiring educators, and every educational, professional, and social opportunity at my fingertips.

I was so lucky. And that’s all I thought about.

See, I finally got what I wanted, and the only thing I was concerned with was making sure it stayed that way. I hold on to everything with such force, I cannot allow it to breathe. It was like holding stained glass in my cupped hands, at any moment, reserving the ability to shatter before my feet. And so, I held it as tight as a could, fearing a gust of wind or inattentive passerby to perhaps be responsible for its destruction, not considering the strength of my own, shaking palms.

I seem to hold all my hopes, wants, dreams in this case of glass, to be admired and preserved, able to disappear at a moment. I find it much more terrifying to have what you wish for, and be held responsible for keeping it around, as opposed to not having it at all. But this, as I realized through that transformative, emotional experience of Semester 1 of college, often only leads to pain.

Perhaps, I do not need to endure shards piercing my soft, warm flesh, in order to be worthy of my own dreams. Not all sacrifice is that of drawn blood. Must I always, pry, push, or challenge, in order to ensure something’s worth?

I find now, the most valuable things cannot be placed on a shelf to collect dust. It is not safest when it is laid on my chest. It must exist among my heart, fueling its beats. It must serve as yet another breath, bringing reason and purpose to my steps, not holding me back from taking them all together.

I guess what I’m saying is, trust yourself. Trust myself, actually. To have what you want is a gift, lucky indeed, but there is a reason it comes to you in the first place. Take it, morph it as you wish, pick it apart and put it back together. It is yours. What is meant for you, will not fall apart when you act according to your own logic, reason, and passion. Let it take on scratches and stretches, scuffs and dents, let it be earthly, just as you are, just as I am. See it to be the greatest act of tenderness, to consider what you want as temporal, just within arms reach, and worthy of being in your possession.

Let your own light shine through the stained glass encasement, assuming the fullest potential of its radiance, taking space beyond its typical confines, and arriving at all places you allow it to touch.